Finding Puppies and Finding Myself

Finding Puppies:

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 was my second wedding anniversary. I had just hit the road to go back home after an amazing 4th of July weekend (husband stayed at home...heh, heh, that is not why my weekend was so great). My weakness (ok, addiction) for early morning biscuits brought me into the first gas station/grocery I came to. While in line, I saw the cutest puppy walk by the door. Then another. I commented on how cute they were, and the woman behind the counter said, "Take 'em with ya!" My reply: "I wish I could, but my husband would kill me."

Out to the car I went, sausage biscuit, Coke (another addiction), and water in hand. One of those cute puppies came right up to me, and of course, I bent down to pet it. Mi-staaaaake! (one of my favorite lines from Scrubs). Both puppies then headed to the truck (my husband's) and made themselves right at home underneath. I stood around and thought about whether I should go ahead and put them in the truck. I decided I couldn't leave them there, fearing they would go into the highway and get run over. I told the woman inside that I was taking them, and off we went.

I called my husband on the way home and told him about them. He didn't sound that upset. I was waiting for mention of divorce papers. Of course, I had not gotten my hopes up about keeping them. I assumed that I would keep them until I found a good home for them. Well, obviously we kept them, although Lee (my husband...no sense using "husband" all the time) still hasn't said, "Yes, you can keep them." I'm keeping them. And he hasn't killed me yet. Lee even came up with their great names in honor of the day I found them. Anni, short for anniversary, and Deuce for two. After his first trip to the vet (Deuce, not Lee), we discovered Deuce was a pretty ironic name. Bless his heart, only one of his testicles could be found.

Finding Myself:

For more than a year now, I've been feeling like I'm not living the life I want to live or should be living--that I'm not really being me. I've discovered that my identity is not grounded in reality. I think I am still seeing myself as I was, or was becoming, back in college. My life is not what I had hoped it would be. I tend to be a very idealistic person, but I am not living up to my ideals. Don't get me wrong, in so many ways my life is wonderful. I am very lucky to have a loving, supporting family and a wonderful husband. I am just not living a life that is as fulfilling as I know it could be.

In a little over a month, on September 14, I will be 30. Thirty! This has made me think even more about the direction my life is taking. The great 4th of July weekend I mentioned earlier was spent with almost all of my best friends and other like-minded individuals. We hung out at a lake where we swam, played cards, paddled around in paddle boats and a kayak, and just simply enjoyed each other's company. It is kind of a yearly tradition, but all of us have not been present the last couple of years.

I made all of these friends while in college. I don't think any of us is exactly where we thought we would be at this point in our lives. What sets me apart is the fact that I am not actively working to attain the life I envision. One of my friends is working on finishing his dissertation so he can attain his goal of receiving his doctorate. My best friend had the good fortune to find a job in her home town with an organization she has worked for the last few years. It is not the exact path she set out on (she took a five-year detour to California), but she is establishing a career while doing something she is passionate about. Another friend has had a steady career since graduation, but recently her social network has expanded and she is playing as hard as she works.

I don't work. Nor do I play. I am just here. I am here in a city (suburb) that was not of my choosing. I am in a house that doesn't really feel like a home. My friends are at least over an hour away, and I do not see them very often. I have not established steady friendships in this place. My social network here consists of my husband's friends. I have yet to find the right position with the right organization or company. At the end of my life, or even ten years from now, I do not want to feel as if I missed out on a life I could have had. Don't worry, I have no plans to pack my bags, say goodbye to my husband and ride off into the sunset in search of myself. The realization that I need to become the best that I can be right where I am struck me that 4th of July weekend. The time is now. I'm almost thirty for crying out loud!

This blog is about my journey to create a new lifestyle for myself (and my husband). It is about the two puppies I rescued after a momentous weekend. It is about rescuing myself.